Going alone

OK, so I can't do this alone. Tomorrow I will call for some counseling, at least that will keep me from killing someone in anger. CT tomorrow as well, hopefully we can find this infection (or whatever it is) so that I can start feeling better. I AM JUST SO ANGRY I COULD SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

re-do!

Well, my first 40 days are not going very well, as I have spent the last three of them in doors doing nothing. I barely have the energy to get up! If you look online for the Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino, you'll get a better understanding of how I feel. Only I do not have lupus (prayed for it about 5 years ago, when we couldn't find out what was wrong with me. If you have ever been really sick, you'll understand why I would pray to have lupus. Not the lupus itself, but an answer. Any answer so that I could get on with my life and be able to face my illness. To this day it may all be due to the thyroid, but as I learn more and more, your thyroid is the control center for your whole life)

The biggest problem has been the anger. Angry at my body for feeling so crappy, and in so many places! Angry at the doctors who do not want to bother looking for the problem (most of the time they just think it is in your head anyway!) Angry at the people around me for not understanding. Angry that I don't have someone to take care of me on the days I feel like this, and angry that I am still expected to take care of everyone else. JUST ONCE I WOULD LIKE TO LAY MY HANDS UPON ANYONE I WANTED AND MAKE THEM FEEL LIKE I DO!!!!!  Maybe then they could understand why it takes me hours to really get going. Maybe then they would understand why I have gone such lengths as to buy pain killers on the street just to get through the day. Maybe then they would understand why I feel so alone, screaming inside but unable to do anything about it. Helpless and alone. That is how I feel. I has gotten worse over the last six weeks, first with an ear infection that would not go away, and then it seemed like everything just fell apart from there.

I am suppose to be trying to get better. Cooking my own foods, taking small steps to be more active. I did that, Wednesday I walked twenty blocks. What do I get for it? ER visit the next day scared to death that I my heart was going to explode, all the while my brain was swimming and I felt like I was going to pass out and never come to again. And now I sit here drinking my stupid potassium drink, knowing damn well it is going to make my stomach bloat up worse than a dead beaver floating in the river, and my IBS doesn't seem to like it much either. DAMN IT!!!  I adjust A and it puts C out of balance, I adjust C and then F is out of balance. I feel like I am trying to balance 10 plates in the air, only there is no end. It never ends. Life just keeps happening around me and I am too busy to take part because I have to keep trying to find the balance to keep all the plates going at once. OR, I can just do what I am doing now and stop trying to keep the plates from falling. Today I just let them all crash to the floor, and I do not know when I will bother to pick them up. I want to yell from the top of my lungs I QUIT!!!  But I can't. I have a wonderful little 3 year old relying on his mother. He needs me, he needs my comfort, my guidance, my friendship. He needs me to fix him his meals, clean his cloths, and tuck him in at night. Can anyone tell me how to pick up the pieces and keep going? I realize this was suppose to be positive steps to improve my health, but since I know no one is reading this, I can just make this my venting station since no one else would understand this except those who live through it every day like myself. So if your out there, I guess we just keep trying. Day by day, we keep on trying.

The ER visit

Well, after feeling like crap for six weeks anyway due to an ear infection, I thought I was finally at the end last night. Not only did I have a great migraine starting, but my heart felt like it was about to jump out of my body! At the ER, my blood pressure was pretty high for me, and they find out that I had low potassium. So now the potassium they have me on is giving me pretty intense stomach pain, but I must try my hardest to ignore it and keep on going. I wish my husband could understand. Is there something wrong with me just about every day? Yes, so live with it. I have to. Since I was 13 and first diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroidism, things have only gone done hill from there. Does he truly think I want to be sit on the sidelines of life while watching everyone else enjoying it? For Pete's Sakes! I have to chose what I am going to do with each small chunk of energy I have as it is, let alone hoping those around me can be sympathetic and understanding. What would be even nicer is if those people around me could be helpful, but since I don't have a broken bone sticking out of my face, I must be fine. UGGGG! Enough about the negative, this blog was to help me find the positive and try to get my life back. I did walk the other day to pick up my son from preschool, so that is a start. And instead of focusing on cutting back all my Pepsi, I will first start on making sure I am drinking enough water. Eventually, the Pepsi will taste gross as it is already starting to. So my small steps this week may have paid off, if I didn't end up in the ER last night crying like a baby and thinking I was about to die. At least that is over, and they do not think it was from the change in my thyroid medicine, so there is still hope that this different drug, at a higher dose, will help with the thyroid. Now to just figure out how to get my potassium up, since they told me I could not eat enough bananas to do the job myself. . .

Could not find it!!

Sorry for the delay, first I just didn't have the energy. Then I couldn't even find my own blog! Now that I have put it in my favorites, I should start posting every day.

If you are like me, and always feel like shit, the first thing you should do is insist that you doctor test your thyroid levels. Not a TSH test, which is not even a thyroid hormone, but insist that they test your FREE T3 and FREE T4. Not sure what they are? Google it. Know if your where you are suppose to be. I have been battling Hashimoto's (auto-immune attack on my thyroid) for 22 years. And only until I started researching it have I found the vast information that my just save my sanity. I refuse to do any more synthetics, and I must have the T3 and not just the T4. Look into it, it is worth a shot.

The night before day one

It is now 11:34 pm on the eve of the rest of my life. For the sake of my marriage, and the sake of my son I have to do this. No longer can I sit back and watch life pass me by. No longer can I let a headach, or a stomach ache dictate if I can enjoy life. If I was to continue doing that, I will wake up in 30 years and wonder what happened to my wonderful little boy. I must be there for him. So I must "just do it" for all of us.