re-do!

Well, my first 40 days are not going very well, as I have spent the last three of them in doors doing nothing. I barely have the energy to get up! If you look online for the Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino, you'll get a better understanding of how I feel. Only I do not have lupus (prayed for it about 5 years ago, when we couldn't find out what was wrong with me. If you have ever been really sick, you'll understand why I would pray to have lupus. Not the lupus itself, but an answer. Any answer so that I could get on with my life and be able to face my illness. To this day it may all be due to the thyroid, but as I learn more and more, your thyroid is the control center for your whole life)

The biggest problem has been the anger. Angry at my body for feeling so crappy, and in so many places! Angry at the doctors who do not want to bother looking for the problem (most of the time they just think it is in your head anyway!) Angry at the people around me for not understanding. Angry that I don't have someone to take care of me on the days I feel like this, and angry that I am still expected to take care of everyone else. JUST ONCE I WOULD LIKE TO LAY MY HANDS UPON ANYONE I WANTED AND MAKE THEM FEEL LIKE I DO!!!!!  Maybe then they could understand why it takes me hours to really get going. Maybe then they would understand why I have gone such lengths as to buy pain killers on the street just to get through the day. Maybe then they would understand why I feel so alone, screaming inside but unable to do anything about it. Helpless and alone. That is how I feel. I has gotten worse over the last six weeks, first with an ear infection that would not go away, and then it seemed like everything just fell apart from there.

I am suppose to be trying to get better. Cooking my own foods, taking small steps to be more active. I did that, Wednesday I walked twenty blocks. What do I get for it? ER visit the next day scared to death that I my heart was going to explode, all the while my brain was swimming and I felt like I was going to pass out and never come to again. And now I sit here drinking my stupid potassium drink, knowing damn well it is going to make my stomach bloat up worse than a dead beaver floating in the river, and my IBS doesn't seem to like it much either. DAMN IT!!!  I adjust A and it puts C out of balance, I adjust C and then F is out of balance. I feel like I am trying to balance 10 plates in the air, only there is no end. It never ends. Life just keeps happening around me and I am too busy to take part because I have to keep trying to find the balance to keep all the plates going at once. OR, I can just do what I am doing now and stop trying to keep the plates from falling. Today I just let them all crash to the floor, and I do not know when I will bother to pick them up. I want to yell from the top of my lungs I QUIT!!!  But I can't. I have a wonderful little 3 year old relying on his mother. He needs me, he needs my comfort, my guidance, my friendship. He needs me to fix him his meals, clean his cloths, and tuck him in at night. Can anyone tell me how to pick up the pieces and keep going? I realize this was suppose to be positive steps to improve my health, but since I know no one is reading this, I can just make this my venting station since no one else would understand this except those who live through it every day like myself. So if your out there, I guess we just keep trying. Day by day, we keep on trying.