time to work out!

Since nothing else has been working, ie vitamins, the right medication for thyroid, eating better, hypnosis, etc. I guess the only thing left to try is working out. Not sure how the hell I am suppose to do that, when just getting out of bed can be a chore, but I guess I will have to force myself. This sucks! Will start working it in to my schedule this week, and see if anything changes. . .

Been awhile

I have not been online in a few days, mainly because I am in so much pain and would rather lay under a semi and let him crush all my bones. At least then I would feel better. Sounds nutty, but when even your skin hurts, nothing else matters.

Found a great book called "Stop the Thyroid Madness", and all I have to do now is find a doctor who listens. RIGHT! I put a call into a promising doctor is Madison, WI, and even though it is a two hour drive, it would be worth it.

I have finally come to the conclusion that there is no making a better life for myself if my thyroid keeps crashing. The book has helped me understand that. Everything I have complained of can be traced back to the thyroid. I have been on natural dessicated thyroid for a while now, but my doctor will not go over 2 grains because he doesn't listen to me, just my lab work. Anyone else with thyroid issues out there knows exactly what I mean.

Maybe I should change my blog to "How to find a good doctor" since this is going to be a journey. I have already been through four primary doctors in town, and three endocrinologists. I guess the next step is to look out of town. When I first went on NDS, I had to find a doctor in Chicago to prescribe it. But of course the minute my TSH was within range that was the most she would do for me.

I guess it all starts with having a doctor that will listen to you, so that is where I need to start.

Being my own doctor

Even though we are suppose to leave the doctoring to professionals, more often than not here in the states they seem to assume what you have is nothing serious, and most of it has to do with your life style.
I would agree that a healthy lifestyle would make you healthier, but excuse me, how am I suppose to be healthy and exercise every day, let alone cook my own healthy meals, when I don't even have enough energy to get out of bed? Perhaps that swollen gland near my ear that I have had since May, including the blood work that shows I have some type of infection, is making it harder to do just the simple things!
My primary doctor sent me to the Ear/Nose/Throat specialist, and all he could say after checking out an CT-SCAN was that is was inflamed. Either I had a virus, or was just unlucky enough to have it swollen for no reason. Excuse me?????  What am I suppose to do to get rid of it and the infection my body has been trying to fight for five months?????  Well, it is not killing me so what do they care. My dishes are stacked in the kitchen, and I finally had enough energy to clean our bedroom, since it hadn't been done for a VERY LONG time. The rest of the house will take months to clean up! What about my quality of life? Don't you ass hole doctors care that I have some type of infection running rampant through my body? Fine, I will deal with it myself, and refuse to pay any more of your bills. If I paid someone to fix my car with a transmission leak, and it still leaked, I wouldn't pay for it, so if I go to you and yet you tell me I have an infection and there is nothing else to do, well then I won't pay for it either!
I will have a tooth removed near that sight, and see if that changes anything. It has been somewhat loose, but not hurting, but who knows, maybe that is the source of the infection. Thank goodness for the Internet, so that I can start to figure things out on my own since the medical community only cares if your dying or have exceptional insurance.
For the rest of us, here's to figuring out our own bodies and dealing with the problems that keep us from living the life we know we should be.

As for hypnosis, I did do a second session, and have a cd from each one. I will listen to them daily to try to relax (too frustrated after dealing with the doctors!) and use my own body to heal itself.

Still need to start cooking at home, perhaps if I can rev up my energy then I can start searching online on how to cook! At least cleaning my room is a big step for me, as it took me ALL DAY to do it.

Anyone reading this, we can make the changes we need to, just maybe not as fast as I originally wanted to. One step at time, and pretty soon we will see a difference :)

Blah

Well, the hypnosis does have me drinking more water, but as for moving around and not feeling pain all day everyday, still working on it. Why can't doctors be more like Dr. House and do whatever necessary to find out exactly what is going on? Just because I am not dying, doesn't mean my life is great!!!! Some days I would almost rather be dead, or at least hit by a semi truck, at least then I would know why I was in pain!

More later, when I find my motivation and get off my butt.

Hypnosis

Sounds silly, but I tried Hypnosis today. I think it may help, as all I want to drink is water! At least that is a step. Lots of water can only be good for you!

Not much else to say today, still searching for all those small steps that are going to help, but at least with the hypnosis it should be easier to chose those small steps.

More to come as I try out new things. . .

More testing

OK, lots of testing to find out what is wrong and how to fix it. Will try hypnosis to cut cravings for that damn Pepsi, adding a lot of water. Seeing an allergist soon, so I will find out if I went gluten free if that would help. (I am not about to go gluten free if I don't have to!!!)

So, maybe we should start my 40 days from the end of September?

Back home, and going to see a counselor just to get things off my chest. It sucks to go it alone, but we can't expect anyone else to help us. It is up to us to find the answers, and find the strength to keep trying until we find what works.

Good luck everyone!

No hope yet. . .

Well, I do have inflamed glands but they are either from a virus, or just something to live with that happens to people sometimes that all ready have an auto-immune disease. I am going with virus since my blood work also showed a possible virus. OK, so I have had a virus for three months that I can not do anything about. WTF?????  I have tried every vitamin known to man, and since there is nothing the medical community can do, do they really expect me to just stay tired and sick all the time????  I will try my primary doctor one last time next week, but if he isn't even interested in trying to find out what virus is it, I guess I just have to live with it. So, off to buy more "pills" today. At least they are cheaper than the migraine medicine :) but I can't go on living like this. I will also try an allergist, and maybe removing gluten from my diet. Not sure how the hell I am going to do that, but that is the only thing I have not tried in my life. Oh, and hypnosis later this week to help me get rid of Pepsi. What a mess this will be!!! I will let you know if any of it works. . .

Wish me luck!

The Marriage

Well, my health has finally taken a toll on my marriage. I will be leaving today, and not sure when I will be back. He says I need to go "figure myself out". Gee, like I haven't been begging the doctors to do that for the last ten years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

It is bad enough not knowing from day to day how your going to feel, but to lack support from home is horrible. Not even lack support, but have someone against you!!  Just because you don't see a bone sticking out my leg does not mean that I am OK!!

Oh, you think I am only feeling good when I do things with family and friends?????   ASK THEM HOW OFTEN I MISS SHIT WITH THEM BECAUSE I AM NOT FEELING GOOD YOU ASS HOLE!!!!!
Feeling like shit has ruined my friendships, and ruined MY LIFE and YOU want say it only effects you??? FUCK YOU ASS HOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will be leaving soon, and I am going to miss my son so much it hurts. but I CAN"T TAKE IT!

I LOVE YOU JACOB, and mommy only wants to feel better. Thank you for all the kisses you give me when I don't feel good, at least you can understand at the age of 3.

Still Trying

Well, still trying to just plain do better. Tomorrow starts the first day of my son going to pre-school at 8 am. We are usually still sleeping in until 8:30 so this will be a challenge. Hopefully the earlier we can get up, the more we can get done. Why does the morning have to come so early? I am just NOT a morning person, and it usually takes me a couple of hours just to get going anyway! How I used to be at work at 5:30 in the morning is beyond me. (maybe that is why I missed a lot of work!)

Anyway, I have decided that I need to find some inspiration. Hopefully this week I can let you know what it is :)  I have heard that putting an outfit on the wall that you really want to fit into helps, so I will try that first. My goal, size 12 jeans. If I can reach that, then I will consider taking those down to wear and putting up a size 9. If I make it to size 9, that would be the smallest size I have been since middle school. Sounds like a goal to me!

One day at a time. . .

still sick

Well, didn't call for counseling, since we do not have insurance and do not have the extra money right now. Maybe some other time. Instead, I registered with ourprayer.org. I have certainly lost touch with God lately, and maybe if I could reconnect I would be better off. Still sick, and now my throat is hurting. One thing after another!!!!!  I guess I will just have to learn to live with being sick all the time. Mind over matter or something like that. It just stinks when you want to start doing all these things that will make you healthier, but have no energy to do them and your brain just seems consumed by constant pain! What a vicious circle, I have no energy to cook, but cooking healthier meals would give me more energy and make me feel better. I guess it has to start somewhere, and although I have limited my pop intake and increased my water intake, the next step is to start cooking. Did I mention I am a horrible cook? Lord give me the strength to learn how to cook, and if you could place some people around me to teach me that would be great too. . .

Going alone

OK, so I can't do this alone. Tomorrow I will call for some counseling, at least that will keep me from killing someone in anger. CT tomorrow as well, hopefully we can find this infection (or whatever it is) so that I can start feeling better. I AM JUST SO ANGRY I COULD SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

re-do!

Well, my first 40 days are not going very well, as I have spent the last three of them in doors doing nothing. I barely have the energy to get up! If you look online for the Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino, you'll get a better understanding of how I feel. Only I do not have lupus (prayed for it about 5 years ago, when we couldn't find out what was wrong with me. If you have ever been really sick, you'll understand why I would pray to have lupus. Not the lupus itself, but an answer. Any answer so that I could get on with my life and be able to face my illness. To this day it may all be due to the thyroid, but as I learn more and more, your thyroid is the control center for your whole life)

The biggest problem has been the anger. Angry at my body for feeling so crappy, and in so many places! Angry at the doctors who do not want to bother looking for the problem (most of the time they just think it is in your head anyway!) Angry at the people around me for not understanding. Angry that I don't have someone to take care of me on the days I feel like this, and angry that I am still expected to take care of everyone else. JUST ONCE I WOULD LIKE TO LAY MY HANDS UPON ANYONE I WANTED AND MAKE THEM FEEL LIKE I DO!!!!!  Maybe then they could understand why it takes me hours to really get going. Maybe then they would understand why I have gone such lengths as to buy pain killers on the street just to get through the day. Maybe then they would understand why I feel so alone, screaming inside but unable to do anything about it. Helpless and alone. That is how I feel. I has gotten worse over the last six weeks, first with an ear infection that would not go away, and then it seemed like everything just fell apart from there.

I am suppose to be trying to get better. Cooking my own foods, taking small steps to be more active. I did that, Wednesday I walked twenty blocks. What do I get for it? ER visit the next day scared to death that I my heart was going to explode, all the while my brain was swimming and I felt like I was going to pass out and never come to again. And now I sit here drinking my stupid potassium drink, knowing damn well it is going to make my stomach bloat up worse than a dead beaver floating in the river, and my IBS doesn't seem to like it much either. DAMN IT!!!  I adjust A and it puts C out of balance, I adjust C and then F is out of balance. I feel like I am trying to balance 10 plates in the air, only there is no end. It never ends. Life just keeps happening around me and I am too busy to take part because I have to keep trying to find the balance to keep all the plates going at once. OR, I can just do what I am doing now and stop trying to keep the plates from falling. Today I just let them all crash to the floor, and I do not know when I will bother to pick them up. I want to yell from the top of my lungs I QUIT!!!  But I can't. I have a wonderful little 3 year old relying on his mother. He needs me, he needs my comfort, my guidance, my friendship. He needs me to fix him his meals, clean his cloths, and tuck him in at night. Can anyone tell me how to pick up the pieces and keep going? I realize this was suppose to be positive steps to improve my health, but since I know no one is reading this, I can just make this my venting station since no one else would understand this except those who live through it every day like myself. So if your out there, I guess we just keep trying. Day by day, we keep on trying.

The ER visit

Well, after feeling like crap for six weeks anyway due to an ear infection, I thought I was finally at the end last night. Not only did I have a great migraine starting, but my heart felt like it was about to jump out of my body! At the ER, my blood pressure was pretty high for me, and they find out that I had low potassium. So now the potassium they have me on is giving me pretty intense stomach pain, but I must try my hardest to ignore it and keep on going. I wish my husband could understand. Is there something wrong with me just about every day? Yes, so live with it. I have to. Since I was 13 and first diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroidism, things have only gone done hill from there. Does he truly think I want to be sit on the sidelines of life while watching everyone else enjoying it? For Pete's Sakes! I have to chose what I am going to do with each small chunk of energy I have as it is, let alone hoping those around me can be sympathetic and understanding. What would be even nicer is if those people around me could be helpful, but since I don't have a broken bone sticking out of my face, I must be fine. UGGGG! Enough about the negative, this blog was to help me find the positive and try to get my life back. I did walk the other day to pick up my son from preschool, so that is a start. And instead of focusing on cutting back all my Pepsi, I will first start on making sure I am drinking enough water. Eventually, the Pepsi will taste gross as it is already starting to. So my small steps this week may have paid off, if I didn't end up in the ER last night crying like a baby and thinking I was about to die. At least that is over, and they do not think it was from the change in my thyroid medicine, so there is still hope that this different drug, at a higher dose, will help with the thyroid. Now to just figure out how to get my potassium up, since they told me I could not eat enough bananas to do the job myself. . .

Could not find it!!

Sorry for the delay, first I just didn't have the energy. Then I couldn't even find my own blog! Now that I have put it in my favorites, I should start posting every day.

If you are like me, and always feel like shit, the first thing you should do is insist that you doctor test your thyroid levels. Not a TSH test, which is not even a thyroid hormone, but insist that they test your FREE T3 and FREE T4. Not sure what they are? Google it. Know if your where you are suppose to be. I have been battling Hashimoto's (auto-immune attack on my thyroid) for 22 years. And only until I started researching it have I found the vast information that my just save my sanity. I refuse to do any more synthetics, and I must have the T3 and not just the T4. Look into it, it is worth a shot.

The night before day one

It is now 11:34 pm on the eve of the rest of my life. For the sake of my marriage, and the sake of my son I have to do this. No longer can I sit back and watch life pass me by. No longer can I let a headach, or a stomach ache dictate if I can enjoy life. If I was to continue doing that, I will wake up in 30 years and wonder what happened to my wonderful little boy. I must be there for him. So I must "just do it" for all of us.